So it was only natural for me to grow up loving him as much as I did. And somewhere along the way, what had been a girlish attachment on my part to my father had suddenly blossomed into a romantic love for him.
Not that I ever planned on telling him that. I was smart enough to know that most people would consider my feelings for my stepfather to be wrong. Though I didn’t think my stepfather would be one of those people, I still didn’t want to chance it. Still, in some corner of my heart I had been holding out the hope that he felt the same way about me, and this was why I had never been interested in any of the boys in my classes, and why, when all the other girls were talking about blowjobs and sex and getting fingered for the first time, I had shied away and not participated in their discussions. Truth be told, I was saving myself, my virginity, for the man I wasn’t sure would ever take it.
“Leah? Leah!” My father’s sharp voice broke through my thoughts. snapping me back to the present. Another roll of thunder shook the windows. I turned to look at my father. My hand went down to his on my bared knee, and I smiled.
“Sorry, Daddy,” I said. “Was lost in thought.” “I can tell. You doing okay?”
I sighed and laid my head against his shoulder. My father leaned his head down against mine and our fingers interlocked.
“Yeah, I’m doing okay, Daddy. Just feeling overwhelmed with this whole growing up thing.”
“You and me both,” he said, his wistful voice lost to the thunder.
BOOM!
A giant seemed to stomp on the roof of the apartment building and the lights flickered and went out. Suddenly, it was eerily quiet, even the background noises of little electronics whirring in their boxes extinguished.
“Well, I guess that’s that,” my stepfather said, tossing his cards onto the new coffee table. “How are you feeling? Do you want to keep playing? you want to keep playing? We can get the flashlights and hold them between our teeth.”
I yawned.
“No, it’s okay. I’m pretty tired, Daddy. It’s been a long day. Maybe we should just go to bed.”
Alright. Let’s do it, baby.”
I felt a hand touch my leg in the dark and I reached down and grabbed it. “Come on.” my stepfather said, pushing himself up from the couch and
pulling me up to my feet. “Let’s go brush our teeth.”
After we had gotten ready for bed, using our phones in the dark to navigate our way to the bathroom, we returned to the living room, standing close to one another in the dark.
“Okay, Daddy: I’ll take the couch and you can have my bed.” “Are you sure?”
“Yes, silly. You’re too tall for the couch.”
“Well, thank you. Are you going to be okay out here?” “I think so.”
“Well, just wake me up if you need anything.” “Okay. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Goodnight.”
I heard my father move across the room, his footsteps disappearing into
my bedroom. Sighing, I unbuttoned my pants and slipped them off. It was too dark and I was too tired to rummage through one of my packed boxes for a pair of pajamas. I would just have to sleep in my underwear. I reached behind my back and unsnapped my bra. I pulled the straps over my arms one at a time and then pulled out my bra from the top of my tank top. In the darkness. I ran my hands up under my shirt, feeling my smooth, flat belly. I gently stroked the underside of my breasts. Cupping them. I began to massage them slowly. This was a game I liked to play: As I touched myself, I closed my eyes and imagined my hands were my father’s. I bit my lip and pinched my
nipples with my thumbs and forefingers and rolled them back and forth. “Are you okay out there?” my father called from the bedroom.
I froze. my erect nipples between my fingers. “I’m good,” I called back.
